Life Lessons Under Lockdown
What can we learn and teach our children in the midst of a pandemic?
Our world changed at lightning speed earlier this year. Life felt normal in January, a bit uncertain in February, and almost unrecognizable by March. Our kids headed out for the break and then never went back to school. Many of us quickly set up remote offices or stopped working altogether. Zoom and Google Meets became fixtures of our days. Picking up groceries transitioned into an intricate dance of planning, distancing and sanitizing. We cut ourselves off from one another, hunkering down in our homes to stay safe. We worried about – and sorely missed – our extended families, friends and communities.
Our world changed at lightning speed earlier this year. Life felt normal in January, a bit uncertain in February, and almost unrecognizable by March. Our kids headed out for the break and then never went back to school. Many of us quickly set up remote offices or stopped working altogether. Zoom and Google Meets became fixtures of our days. Picking up groceries transitioned into an intricate dance of planning, distancing and sanitizing. We cut ourselves off from one another, hunkering down in our homes to stay safe. We worried about – and sorely missed – our extended families, friends and communities.
It’s disorienting to be suddenly flung into a new reality. At the same time, how we view and respond to the challenges we face are within our power. What if we can all come out stronger? More connected to each other? Kinder and more compassionate? It all starts with our choices and beliefs.
If we adopt what’s called an external locus of control, we measure the value and meaning of our lives mainly by external factors – the things that happen to us and around us. This orientation can create feelings of helplessness and doubt about our ability to overcome challenges. Alternatively, with an internal locus of control, we find meaning in our own choices and actions, no matter what the world delivers. We believe we can shape our experience. We think, “Whatever comes my way, how I respond is up to me.”
Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth is a signature feature of having an internal locus of control. Our focus is on how we respond, where we exercise influence, and what personal resources we draw on. This is what parents wish for their children – that in the face of adversity, they tap into their own power to shape their experience. That they believe in their ability to make a difference. That they create their own meaning, rather than have it thrust upon them.
The coronavirus outbreak has challenged all of us to adapt, learn and grow. There have been tragic losses of life and threats to our sense of security. At the same time, there are opportunities we can embrace by recognizing the value of adversity.
When adversity comes calling
The business world has long embraced the adage that “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” The general idea is that for entrepreneurs, professionals or even C-level leaders in large organizations, failures and setbacks can yield valuable insights for moving forward.
The entrepreneurial world in particular embraces a “fail fast” philosophy, which basically means adopting an iterative process of growth rather than attempting to calculate and eliminate all variables in advance. Complex environments are hard to predict, so it’s better to make decisions, test outcomes, and continually adapt rather than launch a fully-formed vision of perfection.
The general idea is that adversity and hardiness go hand in hand, with setbacks leading to greater growth in the end. A recent study at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management has shown that young scientists who just missed out on receiving funding – scoring just below the threshold to be awarded financial support – enjoyed more long-term success than their colleagues who scored just above the threshold. The “near misses” had more successful careers than the “just made its.” Why? It seems they developed more strength and wisdom from early hardship than their peers did from early success.
The value of adversity has long been a topic when raising and teaching children. We know that “snowplow parents” – those who remove obstacles in their child’s path in order to ensure success – raise more anxious and risk-averse children. Along the same lines, teachers who over explain or over help inadvertently send the message that their students aren’t capable, thus undermining their confidence and autonomy.
The research is clear that in order to become young adults who believe they can achieve what they set their minds to, kids need to struggle a bit, fall down sometimes, and solve their own problems whenever possible. They need adversity in their lives.
But not too much. Think of the three bears: life can be too soft, too hard, or just right. Kids need challenge – but not overwhelming hardship – to thrive. The best life lessons seem to arrive in that sweet spot of just right: difficulties that can be endured and overcome with perseverance. Those are the near misses of life, the fast fails that offer step by step growth.
The challenges of our current pandemic fit this framework. While our lives have changed, perhaps permanently in some ways, parents can help their children to view the setbacks and difficulties they experience as near misses, not catastrophes. In doing so, they can teach their children to be resilient, have perspective, empathize with others, and adapt to change. The ultimate outcome is for young people to develop a strong internal locus of control and believe in their own abilities.
Nine ways to build resilience in trying times
Adaptability lies at the heart of resilience. Think of the bamboo that bends in harsh winds and then bounces back – compared to the uprooted oak tree.
Psychological resilience follows the same pattern. It is the capacity to work through frustration or misfortune without long-term negative consequences. Or, in the language of child development, it’s the capacity of a dynamic system to adapt successfully – whether that system is an individual, family or community.
How can parents help their children develop resilience in the midst of a health emergency like a pandemic? Researchers at the Chicago Center for Family Health at the University of Chicago identify nine processes to engage in:
If we adopt what’s called an external locus of control, we measure the value and meaning of our lives mainly by external factors – the things that happen to us and around us. This orientation can create feelings of helplessness and doubt about our ability to overcome challenges. Alternatively, with an internal locus of control, we find meaning in our own choices and actions, no matter what the world delivers. We believe we can shape our experience. We think, “Whatever comes my way, how I respond is up to me.”
Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth is a signature feature of having an internal locus of control. Our focus is on how we respond, where we exercise influence, and what personal resources we draw on. This is what parents wish for their children – that in the face of adversity, they tap into their own power to shape their experience. That they believe in their ability to make a difference. That they create their own meaning, rather than have it thrust upon them.
The coronavirus outbreak has challenged all of us to adapt, learn and grow. There have been tragic losses of life and threats to our sense of security. At the same time, there are opportunities we can embrace by recognizing the value of adversity.
When adversity comes calling
The business world has long embraced the adage that “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” The general idea is that for entrepreneurs, professionals or even C-level leaders in large organizations, failures and setbacks can yield valuable insights for moving forward.
The entrepreneurial world in particular embraces a “fail fast” philosophy, which basically means adopting an iterative process of growth rather than attempting to calculate and eliminate all variables in advance. Complex environments are hard to predict, so it’s better to make decisions, test outcomes, and continually adapt rather than launch a fully-formed vision of perfection.
The general idea is that adversity and hardiness go hand in hand, with setbacks leading to greater growth in the end. A recent study at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management has shown that young scientists who just missed out on receiving funding – scoring just below the threshold to be awarded financial support – enjoyed more long-term success than their colleagues who scored just above the threshold. The “near misses” had more successful careers than the “just made its.” Why? It seems they developed more strength and wisdom from early hardship than their peers did from early success.
The value of adversity has long been a topic when raising and teaching children. We know that “snowplow parents” – those who remove obstacles in their child’s path in order to ensure success – raise more anxious and risk-averse children. Along the same lines, teachers who over explain or over help inadvertently send the message that their students aren’t capable, thus undermining their confidence and autonomy.
The research is clear that in order to become young adults who believe they can achieve what they set their minds to, kids need to struggle a bit, fall down sometimes, and solve their own problems whenever possible. They need adversity in their lives.
But not too much. Think of the three bears: life can be too soft, too hard, or just right. Kids need challenge – but not overwhelming hardship – to thrive. The best life lessons seem to arrive in that sweet spot of just right: difficulties that can be endured and overcome with perseverance. Those are the near misses of life, the fast fails that offer step by step growth.
The challenges of our current pandemic fit this framework. While our lives have changed, perhaps permanently in some ways, parents can help their children to view the setbacks and difficulties they experience as near misses, not catastrophes. In doing so, they can teach their children to be resilient, have perspective, empathize with others, and adapt to change. The ultimate outcome is for young people to develop a strong internal locus of control and believe in their own abilities.
Nine ways to build resilience in trying times
Adaptability lies at the heart of resilience. Think of the bamboo that bends in harsh winds and then bounces back – compared to the uprooted oak tree.
Psychological resilience follows the same pattern. It is the capacity to work through frustration or misfortune without long-term negative consequences. Or, in the language of child development, it’s the capacity of a dynamic system to adapt successfully – whether that system is an individual, family or community.
How can parents help their children develop resilience in the midst of a health emergency like a pandemic? Researchers at the Chicago Center for Family Health at the University of Chicago identify nine processes to engage in:
- Make sense of adversity: view crises as manageable and meaningful.
- Have a positive outlook: focus on hope and potential.
- Practice transcendence: connect with larger values.
- Be flexible: reorganize and restabilize to provide predictability and continuity.
- Stay connected: provide mutual care and commitment.
- Mobilize resources: establish financial security and gather community support.
- Be clear: provide basic information and consistent messaging.
- Share emotions openly: express both positive and painful feelings.
- Solve problems together: engage in joint decision-making.
Having a positive outlook might include emphasizing that periods of self-isolation are temporary and will pass. Parents can also communicate that we know how to stay safe, we can still see our friends even if the rules of engagement change for awhile, and we have a unique opportunity to learn something new (how to sew, plant a vegetable garden or do 100 keep-ups).
These nine processes strengthen individuals and families, whether in a time of crisis or not. They are worth reflecting on and adopting on a day-to-day basis, as they help children to develop perspective and understand that their mindset and choices make a difference.
The power of gratitude and kindness
Research also reveals that gratitude and kindness are protective factors against life’s adversities because their outward focus create inner reservoirs of strength. Focusing too much on ourselves actually weakens our emotional immune system, making us more vulnerable when hardship arrives.
Gratitude is a feeling of thankful appreciation for the good things in life, which often lie outside ourselves. That’s the outward focus that helps people to connect to and draw strength from something larger than themselves – perhaps friends, family, community or even nature.
A recent Harvard Medical School publication confirms that people who express their gratitude – in journals, letters or aloud to others – feel better about themselves and more optimistic about their lives. They also improve their relationships, exercise more and have fewer medical needs.
What are some simple and effective ways your children can express gratitude? Write and send thank-you notes to people they appreciate. Or start a daily family journal in which everyone writes down one gift of life they have received. These can be as simple as a fun romp with the family dog, dad’s famous brownies, or the bedtime stories with mom. Or consider posting sticky notes on the fridge throughout the day that mark small moments that matter.
The more we help our children see the goodness in the world, the more they cultivate a positive mindset and the better they navigate the stormy seas of life.
Acts of kindness also protect against adversity. Whatever the outside world brings, choosing a compassionate lens and practising kindness reinforce for children that they can make an impact. Being kind to others has also been shown to increase feelings of calm and self-worth while also boosting energy and reducing depression.
Perhaps solve kindness problems together as a family. Come up with ways to help others, whether additional periods of isolation arrive or we just continue to navigate the new normal of 2020. Is there something a neighbour needs help with? Can your family donate supplies to a food bank or shelter? Can a child help an elderly person with their gardening? Babysit for a family with a new baby? Make cookies for the garbage collectors or postal workers? Organize a neighbourhood toy swap?
Practicing kindness and gratitude go a long way toward building resilience in our children and stronger communities overall. They also help all of us to focus on what matters most in life: taking care of ourselves and each other.
The year of living differently
Life comes into acute focus in trying times. We tend to appreciate the simple things more, like playing on a sports team or having family over for a backyard barbecue. For the COVID-19 pandemic to mean more than hardship and loss of life, it’s up to us to shape our responses and experiences, now and in the future.
When you look back on 2020, what do you want your children to see? You will have many family memories and life lessons stored up. Among them might be that we don’t learn and grow in spite of adversity but because of it.
Land Acknowledgment
The Country Day School wishes to recognize and acknowledge the land on which the school operates. Our nearest Indigenous Nations are now the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation and the Chippewas of Georgina Island. The Dish with One Spoon Wampum covenant is often cited as an example of the shared responsibility for caring for these lands among the Huron-Wendat, Anishinaabe and Haudenosaunee peoples who would call these their traditional territories. CDS respects the relationship with these lands and recognizes that our connection to this land can be strengthened by our continued relationship with all First Nations, by acknowledging our shared responsibility to respect and care for the land and waters for future generations.
School Information
13415 Dufferin Street King, Ontario L7B 1K5
(905) 833-1220
communications@cds.on.ca
admissions@cds.on.ca
Founded in 1972, The Country Day School is a co-educational private school offering programs in JK-12 and located on 100 acres north of Toronto in King.
(905) 833-1220
communications@cds.on.ca
admissions@cds.on.ca
Founded in 1972, The Country Day School is a co-educational private school offering programs in JK-12 and located on 100 acres north of Toronto in King.
